Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Fellows' has obviously been fiddling with the wireless in my dressing room. Rather than the jovial intellectual jousting of radio 4, there was some vulgar commercial station banging on about the festival season, and a plethora of concerts happening in the next few weeks. This set me thinking. Apart from the marvelous "Cardinal Sin and the Bum Notes" there is a scarcity of musical entertainment for the more discerning listener.
Just like that "Eves" oik, from wiltshire, I have plenty of land I could set aside for such an event. And of course I have the marquees. My contacts will allow access to the major city orchestra's in the uk, and that Cowell fellow owes me a favour after swaying the voting on his latest Talent thingy on the television. I think I am going to stage "Poshfest", generously bringing opera, clasical music and dance to the masses. Tarquin has expressed an interest in running this for me, and has already suggested Marmaduke Duke. If he's already got the landed gentry interested the sky could be the limit…..
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I even read that one poor chap has been hauled over the coals for cleaning his moat. I find it a little odd that anyone should need to spend any money on this; as I write, Osbourne has just returned from giving my own moat a spring clean, attired in his frogman outfit and toilet brush in hand. He has broken all records this year - it took him only four days.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The girls have been sprinkling the text with metaphors taken from their favourite nineteenth century authors while Tarquin, bless him, is adding an apt quotation from Virgil or Horace to each title page.
You can’t imagine the expressions on my team’s faces when I return them on Monday morning.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
My first strategy was quickly ruled out by Tarquin, who reminded me that a twelve bore can't legally be used on anarchists, even after the twelfth. So a more subtle approach was called for. I have decided instead to cultivate a disguise - an alter ego if you will - that should attract considerably less attention than I normally do when out and about.
To this end I have appointed Osbourne to advise me on sartorial matters, and to drill me in the ways of the common man. He scoffed somewhat at my first attempt, pointing out that the mere substitution of a less expensive Rolex did not, in itself, effect the desired air of impecuniosity. The good chap took me in hand, allowing me to try on a few of his own estate clothes until we had constructed a most passable rendering of vulgarity.
Osbourne reminded me that the appearance was only one aspect of the character; if I am to be convincing in my new persona then I also need to adopt a suitable vernacular and mannerisms. I suggested that I accompany him one evening to the local hostelry - in full costume of course - where I can join his circle of acquaintances and soak up the coarse ambience. It might just have been the light, but it seemed to me that he turned quite a peculiar colour.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
I’m already starting to notice an improvement in the standard of writing in the office. The staff are taking a real pride in their work, and often stay late to polish their documents and discuss the quality of each other’s prose.
Not wanting to let up, I have scheduled a series of educational sessions for the team, in a format often used at the company – the “lunch and learn”. As the name suggests, the usual arrangement is that those who can attend in person bring along sandwiches, while the others dial in to a sophisticated piece of telephonic equipment. All of this seemed a trifle vulgar to me, so I have decided to host the events at the club instead. The King George Hall has been reserved, and the team will be ferried there in a few of my older Jags (Osbourne will deploy seat covers - some of the staff wear rather grubby clothes).
I have asked Heston to provide the catering, now that he has the Fat Duck up and running again - but I’ve asked him to leave norovirus off the menu.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I had the staff line up outside to be inspected (Dawkins was still scowling). Sadly the junior Obamas were otherwise engaged, so the heirs didn't get the chance to thrash them on the Wii, as they had planned.
The Lady Hermione was, as ever, the perfect hostess (praise be to that most wonderful of institutions, the Swiss finishing school). I entertained Barack in the billiards room and shared some of my ideas for tackling the financial crisis. He was impressed, and said he'd be sure to raise them tomorrow. Even Dawkins relented from her sulk long enough to prepare a delicious terrine of stickleback and artichoke.
You will, of course, read that the Obamas are safely ensconced somewhere else - obviously a ruse for security purposes. The only reason Special Branch are allowing me to post this entry is that no terrorists read my blog (apparently).
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Anyhow, I'm sure I can sweet talk her. Meanwhile, I've been getting Osbourne busy around the estate, putting up the "stars and stripes" in prominent positions.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
“Bit of a fix, old boy” he said ruefully, nursing his second cognac. “We were all set for the G20 next week, and then – kapow. Obama’s people took a look around the suite we’d lined up for him, and told us it wouldn’t do. Apparently he wants a good, old-fashioned English experience – you know - oak panels, turrets, crenellations, the works.
He paused for a second and stared into his brandy. “We were wondering if you might consider putting him up … he’d go bananas over your place. Remember how the Clintons lapped it up? You had to kick them out in the end.”
How could I refuse? As I was ferried back to the estate by Osbourne, I started to make plans for the latest VIP to grace its guest suite.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I have recently been giving some thought to the family image. “Surely, it couldn’t be any better?” you might think. As did I, Reader, until I had lunch the other day with publicist - and long standing acquaintance - Max Clifford.
Mr. Clifford is well versed in the ways of the modern media and cultivating profiles.
“To really hit the big time”, he said to me over a port, “what you need is a decent brand. You know, like Charles with his Duchy Originals”. I had to admit to some excitement at the thought of rivalling His Royal Highness with produce from my own fair estate.
That evening I sounded out Dawkins on the possibility of her turning out a few thousand jars of her delicious asparagus chutney on her days off. She seemed oddly unenthusiastic.
Friday, March 20, 2009
The English improvement campaign begins. My first act was to equip the office with a kind of “swear box”, except that forfeits are payable for grammatical faux pas and the more egregious spelling mistakes. The staff have taken it in good humour, and I have promised to donate all proceeds to the Lord’s Taverners.
Generally I notice a new buzz about the place, and I could swear I even heard someone say “notwithstanding” this afternoon.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
There is an auction and raffle planned.
I did consider putting an "Evening with..." myself as one of the prizes, but felt that would defeat much of the anonymity I have managed to maintain. Another thought was a week on one of my islands... but I doubt many of these people actually have passports or have flown and it would be wrong to so embarrass them.
Anyway, I will attend the concert and blend quietly into the background.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
As it happens lunch was a little rushed, on account of Miss Truss finding seventeen errors in the menu before we had even ordered wine. She was, however, very sympathetic to my cause.
“But darling, you absolutely must take matters in hand” she insisted, pulling apart her lobster. “Noblesse oblige, and all that”.
She’s right, of course.
She gave me a few ideas and I promised to let her know how it all goes (actually, I suspect she is after material for her next book).
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Gentle Reader, I have to admit to a degree of shock. These turgid pieces were hardly the sort of thing one would pick up lightly after dinner. Their tone was functional and, well, a little brutish. But more alarming still were the crimes committed against the Queen’s English. Infinitives were split without concern; prepositions nestled comfortably at the ends of sentences; aberrant apostrophes abounded and as for the subjunctive mood – one would think it had never been invented.
Now, I must remind myself not to reproach the staff unduly; I know for a fact that some of them attended only the more minor public schools, and I understand from a colleague in Human Resources that even this is no longer a requirement for new entrants to the Company. Still, the situation requires action. I must make plans.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
It really is difficult to beat pudding for breakfast!
Unsure how the rest of the day will pan out but Clarence tells me that I have a lot of calls scheduled. Farting Freddie has offered to fly us all to Cardiff tomorrow to watch the rugger, so I may just prepare for that.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I'd almost given up when the driver of the car in front returned, packed his tiny shopping bags (on his own!) in the boot and promptly left. Obviously I eased the car in to the spaces and parked right in the middle. At least this should keep it safe from the riff raff.
The meal was a reasonably pleasureable affair, and the staff found time to amuse themselves by hiding one of the team's wallets whilst he was in the gentleman's convenience.
After the meal, allowed the staff to procure me a beverage or two in the "Cardinals Hat", which I'm sure makes them feel good about themselves.
Today has been another long drawn out series of meetings and teleconferences. I cannot understand why people invite me to these things if they have their own idea's about things. I have always said if I wanted their opionion I would give them it.
Looking forward to returning from the shires tonight as Dawkins has promised spotted dick.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
I arrived at the club early, and managed to settle in my favourite armchair to peruse the broadsheets and see if Gordon has heeded my advice. At 11.30 had to visit the tailors for a new suit fitting. Most unsettling to realise just how comfortable one can be with another man on his hands and knees measuring your inside leg! I got him to polish my shoes whilst down there.
However I digresss, the suit looks fantastic and feels sublime - merino wool and silk are so comfortable. I've had to buy a new belt though, as I fear the nights at the Worcester food emporia are having an effect. Its either that or age is catching up with me!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Anyway, the jalopy was handling quite badly by the time I reached the offices in Worcester, and upon extricating myself from behind the wheel it was obvious that I had a flat. Only at the bottom, but it was definitely flat. What annoyed me was that the car is only a couple of weeks old. Anyway. I rang Fellows to come up, swap the wheel and effect a repair to the damaged tyre, but the Memsahib had apparantly taken him shopping. Poor Fellows. Yomping up and down Carnaby Street, at his age!
As Fellows was unavailable I rang the dealer from whence I bought the car to arrange someone to fix the faulty tyre. After a battle they agreed to send a young man who duly arrived later that day. They seemed to baulk at the fact that the fault was theirs? The grubby overalled technician set about repairing the offending tyre, but could only effect a temporary repair as apparently they don't carry the tyre required. It's one of the problems with such an exclusive car. The tyre will be in tomorrow, when hopefully they will send a smarter, better dressed technician to actually fix things properly.
The service is never as bad at Fortnums. Perhaps they should take some lessons!
Monday, January 26, 2009
No such luck. The phone rang and it was Gordon.
I know he's keepining one eye on Darling's manoevres with the economy (well, come to think of it that's all he can do), but he's insisted I come round for dinner tonight. I suspect it will be a late one with him moaning on about global forces, sub-prime Tony, prudence, and so forth. I had better delay my planned start in the morning. I may even get Fellows to drive me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Unpon arrival I was horrified to find that the hall, was nothing like the great hall at home. The antique paintings, sumptuous carpeting and rugs and comfortable but elegant furtiture of "chez moi", was replaced by paintings that look like they were done by elephants with brushes, tiny plastic chairs and hundreds of small formica tables. Even the place names were just typed, not handwritten in copperplate.
Having settled in to my alloted space, which was tiny by the way, I was stunned to realise was expected to sit within very close proximity to some very odd looking people. Some of them weren't even wearing a blazer, let alone a tie or suit jacket.
Despite these distractions we all settled down as the papers were issued, and the exam started. About half way through the first exam the mobile telephone rang, rather loudly in the quiet hall, and obviously I answered it as it was Gordon. Again!
Having quickly answered his questions I said I would call him back later. To be honest I wonder why he employs that "Darling" fellow, he never seems to know anything.
Anyway I was entirely unprepared when one of the elderly invigilators angrily approached me, and practically hauled me out of the room. After I had got over the shock I explained the situation to the rather scruffy old man, who begrudgingly accepted my reasons for accepting the call and apologised. After giving him a piece of my mind, I returned to my desk to continue. Who knew that these exams could be so stressful?
After generously giving the examiner the benefit of my knowledge, for which he should be grateful by the way, I returned to the hotel for a late lunch in the brasserie and more revision.
Although these hotel staff try hard, they are not up to Clarence's standard. I suppose its because they don't have the breeding for service like him and his family.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
study and there was a ruffian from Scotland who had tagged along with
the party. It was far more appropriate to spend some quiet time
reviewing the markets and examining some opportunities.
Later in the evening they are planning to do some painting. I thought
I might go along to see if there is any nascent talent that may be
worth a small investment. It is strange where talent emerges. Take
Tracy Emin - bloody useless au pair, couldn't even make a bed, but got
noticed and the rest is history (though we did have to find a new au
One cheeky wretch suggested I might like to "life model" for them - I
can see why, but really! The sheer cheek (which is one of the reasons
I refused). What with that and the Mills and Boon opportunity I'm in
danger of becoming too visible and it takes years to shake off the
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Meetings in high places brought me in contact with Mandelbrot or whatever he's called. Can't stand him and couldn't afford to give him more than a fractal of my time. As a result, however, there should be some announcements in the morning of a package of support for loans to small business and industries (ostensible supported by the taxpayer - but that taxpayer is me).
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I must remember not to disclose any of the family secrets or finances in these pages for fear they are used against me. I have engaged the services of the local IBM techical help desk to try to trace the interlopers onto this, my personal space.I have numerous shares in the company and the Techical Bod owed me a favour. It was the least he could do after the Fortnums Hamper.
If you're reading this…. I will find you…
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I have moved the other vehicles around in the Garage to make space (well I, I told Osbourne to!) and if it has worked well I will be able to sit in the library and gaze at the new Jalopy from the warmth of the fireside.
As long as the rest of the fleet are delivered before any further problems I will be happy. I've already told the owners there'll be no more money to be put in their kitty, and I'm not going to help if Gordon's shower don't want to.